For now, here’s how to put the songs on your Pod radio.

STEPS

1. Get a computer. You can find one at most stores. Bring your checkbook.
2. Bring it home and open the box. Throw away the bits that are cardboard and styrofoam and plastic baggies, and what remains should be the bits of your computer.
3. Assemble computer.
4. Plug power cord into wall.
5. Now you are on the web.
6. Start up your web surfer.
7. Type “give me music” into the web surfer’s surfing bar.
8. You will probably see naked ladies on your computer by this point. Ignore the naked ladies, as they have been sent by the Devil to tempt you away from finding music to download.
9. Type “give me music, not the naked ladies sent by the Devil” into the surfing bar.
10. You should now see a bunch of words that are probably colored blue. These are surfing links to web places.
11. Carefully read the words to find the link closest to what you are looking for. If one of the links says “music,” move your mouse arrow over the link and press the mouse button on the mouse.
12. Do not click on the links in Russian or other languages, as they probably will not offer good American music.
13. Now you are in a web place with songs you can choose. Find a song you might like. I recommend “The Fountain of Salmacis” from Genesis’ third studio album “Nursery Cryme.”
14. Mouse touch the song title and it should immediately start downloading into your monitor.
15. The download speed may only be about a dozen or so, and you should probably plan to attend your work sessions while it continues.
16. After returning from work and paying your nightly homage to our leader, check your computer.
17. If the download has finished completing, you are ready to transfer your song to your portable pod radio.
18. Connect radio to the computer. Use a cable for this.
19. Locate the MP3 on your computer with the mouse. It is probably in a folder called “C:”
20. Hold down the mouse button while the mouse arrow is over the MP3.
21. Drag MP3 onto picture of your pod which is also on your computer somewhere.
22. Once the MP3 is over that picture, release the mouse’s button and the song should be taught to your pod radio player.
23. Once completed, your radio now knows your new song. Press buttons on your pod to hear it make your song play.
24. Earphones may be required. Get some and put them on you.
25. Enjoy your MP3 song!

TIPS

• Don’t tell your neighbors you have a computer. They will want to come over and use it to gamble and roll dice, because your neighbors are of low morals and poor upbringing.
• Do not play music too loudly while wearing earphones, or you will not hear town bell ring for time of work or worship.
• Get a red computer. Those are faster.

Killing someone is a quick and reasonable solution for everything from minor disagreements with neighbors to preventing the rise of a future fascist dictator, though it is somewhat socially frowned upon, and is in fact illegal in many states. So if you’re going to kill someone, best to do it in a way that you won’t get caught.

1. Choose a location. Murder, like real estate, is all about location, location, location. You want to choose a site where you can quickly and conveniently kill your victim without attracting unwanted attention from nosy neighbors or curious passersby, or worse, police responding to the sounds of struggle. If any of those things happen, you will have to hunt down and kill any potential witnesses, as well as any witnesses to that murder. Should this happen, see our article How To Kill A Number of People Over Time to Quiet the Demands of Your Neighbor’s Dog, as much of the advice is applicable. Good locations for murders are sub-basements of abandoned buildings, unattended camping sites during the off-season, and wherever the Seattle Mariners play.
2. Choose your weapon. A quick and clean kill is in your best interest, which may lead you to believe that your best bet is a gun. You couldn’t be more wrong. Guns are loud, which brings up the issue of potential witnesses again, and they also leave markings that can be traced back to your gun. Which means you now have to dispose of a body and a gun, smart guy. Besides which, unless you spend months training to gain perfect aim, it is likely that your victim will linger. Oh, how they will linger. Knives would appear to be a less attractive option, as they require you to be close enough to your victim to feel their last gasping breath leave the body of that shrew from accounting who keeps rejecting your expense reports, as well as the potential to leave fingerprints behind. But, unlike guns, knives can be easily wiped clean of fingerprints and blood-stains in a mild bleach solution. It’s another step in your clean-up, but well worth it.
3. Choose your method. Now that you’ve settled on your weapon, you need to choose how to dispatch your victim. Stabbing directly through the heart is the quickest and most effective way, but you must have exceptional upper-body strength in stab through the rib-cage, so this is not a method for ladies and milquetoasts. A blitz attack from behind in which you slash your victims throat works well for most people, and has the added benefit of keeping arterial spray directed away from you. As satisfying as brutal repeated stabbings, over and over and over again, into that braying jackass who refuses to trim his hedges to regulation height as agreed upon in the condominium’s owner compact would be, this is not an effective method. Messiness is to be avoided, as it just leads to more clean-up, and industrial solvents aren’t as cheap as it used to be.
4. Dispose of the body. Now that you’ve killed that paperboy who keeps “forgetting” to deliver your Sunday edition, you need to dispose of the body in a way that it won’t be found, except possibly by archeologists (at which point, you will be dead, and unlikely to face prosecution for your actions). There are two places to dispose of a body: where you killed it, and where you didn’t. Where you killed it is convenient, and with a little prep-time disposing of the body is a snap. In the woods, a deep grave, at least six to eight feet, is ideal (don’t want the body being dug up by hungry scavengers and being tripped over by a Boy Scout troop), but requires extensive pre-murder time. It might also be necessary to rent a back-hoe to dig the pit if the grave if the ground is excessively rocky, which leads to paperwork and the eventual murder of Hank at the hard-ware store. If your murder was committed in an abandoned building, a deep tub of lye or acid are effective, though time-consuming, and bring up the eventual problem of disposing of Hank as well.

TIPS AND WARNINGS

• Television shows such as CSI and Bones often make it appear as if the police have magic, crime-solving computers that can trace your location to within 100 yards if you leave so much as a skin follicle at the scene of the crime. This is largely fiction, a result of the need to have a criminal arrested within forty-five minutes in order to keep an audience happy. Real forensic science is exhaustive, tedious, horribly back-logged and yet to be subjected to double-blind, clinical tests of it’s accuracy. In other words, you probably don’t have much to worry about, unless you’re dragged into an interview room by an FBI agent who likes like that guy from Buffy.
• Be careful of the FBI, though. They definitely do have magic, crime-solving computers.
• When short on time, remember, spreading bleach over everything probably isn’t a bad idea.

This one goes out to all you gals out there with equally negligent mothers, and who weren’t fortunate enough to have grown up with a transvestite father.

STEPS

1. Purchase some shoes with high heels. Surprisingly, not all shoes have these standard. Ask at your local shoe emporium, and avoid the following pit-falls:
   • Snow shoes – These are the ones that look suspiciously like tennis rackets.
   • Tennis shoes – Confusingly, these ones look nothing like tennis rackets.
   • Tennis rackets – All right, enough time-wasting in the sports shop now! I know the assistants are sometimes hot, but we’re on a mission here.
   • Uggs – These are only suitable for upscale celebrities looking to pretend to be tramps for the day, or vice versa.
   • Penny loafers – Easily mistaken for high heels; the only way to identify them is by the penny.
   • Crocs – The Geneva Convention discourages the wearing of these shoes by anyone over the age of 5, for humanitarian reasons. If you’re not trained in these matters, they can also cause you to get stuck in escalators, and nobody wants that, especially not the UN. They know what’s best for you (like the mother you wish you’d had).
2. Step out, first, of the shop (after purchasing, unless you are confident of your ability to run fast in heels), and then of the humdrum heel-less life you once knew.
3. Paint the town red, or an appropriate color of your choice (maybe to match your new shoes!)
4. Drink enough alcohol to numb the unbearable pain of your new heels and your shallow materialistic existence.
5. Find the burliest man you can to piggy-back you and your abominably blistered feet home. You can reward your trusty steed with promises of coffee or “coffee” (see ‘How to create Sex Euphemisms’ for more details).
6. Wake up and vow never to wear heels again.

TIPS

• Before you go out shopping, you should learn the difference between regular high heels and “stilettos.” Stilettos are equipped with murder blades you may use for murders.
• Occasionally you may break a heel while you are out walking. Use this as an excuse to get someone to carry you around even before you go home, or to play a game of “How much broken glass can I avoid?”
• You should be sure to wear the right clothes with your high heels. Little black dresses, miniskirts or wedding dresses work best. Only the most advanced heel wearers can pull them off in coveralls or hoop skirts.

STEPS

1. Have no job. This means quitting if you need to.
2. Hire yourself as your own butler. By working for yourself at home, you will be able to be your own boss. You will need an alternate butlerian identity.
3. Give your butler self a 401k, pension, healthcare, etc. With all these benefits, you’ll never want to quit!
4. File for bankruptcy twice. Because you can’t pay your butler and your butlering business also fails. You’ll need a lawyer for this, get one with two socks.
5. Before losing all money due to bankruptcy, invest business in high risk stocks. These are the ones people are selling really fast that are mentioned in the news along with disaster. .
6. Win the stock market. Do this by reading stock books.
7. Use your millions to rehire yourself as personal butler. You aren’t going to walk to get your own wine coolers are you?

TIPS

• You can hire yourself as a pool cleaner but you will risk seducing your own wife.
• When avoiding suspicion as a butler, speak in a British accent. Mexican accents risk deportation.
• You can alternately bet all money in poker but remember the house rule “If you need the money, you will win but if you get greedy you will lose it all.” Roughly translated it means “Always bet on black”.

Follow this guide and soon your name will be a curse to your neighbors!

STEPS

1. Do not listen to anyone. Your friends and colleagues are fools. Fools! Don’t worry. They will come around after a few have been found with crushed trachea. For now, pay no heed.
2. Practice your stitchery. No one fears a Frankenstein with sagging seams. While loose skin can be fed through a sewing machine or serger, you’ll want a needle and thread for the most important patchwork.
3. Hire a hunchback. Sure, you can go with any lab assistant, but why not choose the best? Besides, their concentrated center of gravity allows them to hoist coffins with ease.
4. Get some body parts. All of the flashy lab equipment in the Old World won’t help if you skimp here. Cemeteries and mortuaries are obvious sources, but don’t overlook happy accidents such as fatal Segway collisions. If you have access to a loaner Frankenstein, a well-timed rampage can provide an ample supply of fresh material.
5. Don’t forget the legs. Without lower limbs, your Frankenstein will be little more than an angry torso. Spare arms can be used in a pinch, though you may want to devise shoes for your creature’s “foothands” if it’s a long walk to the closest village.
6. Harness the lightning. Acquire an assortment of electrical apparatuses. It’s less important what they do than that they have lots of dials and gauges. Oversized switches can make for dramatic resurrections. Jacob’s ladders add a bit of panache. Strickfaden Supply (est. 1931) offers a wide variety of devices that appear to have some vaguely defined function.
7. Bring life to your creation. Claims of godhood may sound arrogant to your ears, but they are expected.
   Make sure that you tightened the straps. This really should’ve been step 7.
8. Run. Runnnnn!

TIPS

• Inevitably, others will point out that “Frankenstein” was the doctor, not the monster. Send your Frankenstein to choke them in their sleep.
• Extinguish all open flames before bringing your Frankenstein to life. Failure may result in accidental strangulation.

STEPS

1. Always.
2. Be.
3. Closing.
4. If steps 1-3 do not work, then you are not closing the cocksucker. Or if the leads- wait a second- maybe the leads are weak. That is what is fucked here, not you. If I- no, that is not what I said. You wait. Wait until after hours.
5. Get into Williamson’s office.
6. Go to his safe.  Break it open and get them. The leads. The leads that are in his safe. The Glengarry leads.
7. Take them across the street to- yes, across the street, that’s what I’m saying- you take them across the street and you sell them to Jerry Graff. He’ll pay- he goes out and buys. He pays for the leads. Clean. He paid two thousand for that fucking list of nurses.
8. Do not- listen, to me- do not fuck this up. If you do, we are fucked, do you hear me? There’s no- you are in this too deep. Even reading this, you’re an accessory by- yes, you are- there are consequences. Everything has consequences.

TIPS

• Make sure that you have what it takes. Do you have it? What it takes. It’s important to have it. This thing.
• Try the Nyborgs one more time.
• Do not bring up your daughter. Fuck you.
• If this does not pan out, I know a man who deals in rare coins. He can do the- yes, it’s a sure thing.

STEPS

1. Go to where parents congregate with children (but don’t be creepy). Good options include: playland at a fast food restaurant, local zoo, park, that vacant lot littered with needles on the corner of Highsmith and Green street.
2. Observe other parents with their children. Are they yelling? Does the child seem incredibly well behaved? Is there a smudge of dirt on its face or does it have a runny nose?
3. Pick a parent to criticize. Maybe they’re younger than you, or have a nicer cell phone.
4. Deploy your disapproval. With your tongue close to the roof of your mouth, make a “Tsk Tsk” noise. If the parent you are disapproving of doesn’t notice your noise because they are too busy parenting, repeat the “Tsk Tsk” until they look at you.

Tips and Warnings:

• Parents are defensive and easily startled. Make sure they don’t have a weapon close at hand, like one of those blinky shoes.
• Handy phrases to shout include “Babies need socks!”, “Leashes are for dogs, not for your quadruplets!”, “You can’t put a girl in a Lightning McQueen shirt!”, “What? You need to cut that toddler’s hair he looks like a godless hippie!”

Then chances are, you’ve been fooled again. To avoid this happening in the future, follow these simple steps.

STEPS

1. Tip your hat to the new constitution. If you are not wearing a hat, go get one.
2. Take a bow for the new revolution. Or curtsey if you are female.
3. Smile and/or grin at the change all around us, depending on your level of enthusiasm.
4. Pick up your guitar and play in a way that you have done in the recent past. (Learn how to play guitar before doing this step.)
5. Then get on your knees and pray, regardless of your religious affiliation.

TIPS

• Some questions to answer if you are not sure you are being fooled again:
  • Do the hypnotized ever lie?
  • Did the beards grow longer overnight?
  • Does the world look just the same?
  • Has history changed?
  • Have you ever seen a shotgun sing a song?

  If you can answer “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!” to any or all of these questions, then odds are you are being fooled again.

• Before not getting fooled again, be sure you know who are you and put away your squeeze box.

That’s right: Ol’ Scratch, Beelzebub, the Lord of the Flies, Lucifer, Number 2 Fiddler — the Devil is ready and waiting to take your soul in exchange for the satisfaction of your worldly desires, and we here at The Content Farm are happy to send you along the left hand path to success!

STEPS

1. You’re going to want to check the current market value of souls before entering any kind of exchange or contract. Avoid professional auction houses, estate sales, or price guides, as they may feature inflated values. Searching closed auctions on eBay will likely give you more realistic expectations.
2. Make sure want you want in exchange for your soul will be worth spending your eternal afterlife eyeball-deep in flaming hot lava or having your entrails continually eaten by gibbering and insatiable imps. RECOMMENDED: Trading your soul for wealth and/or power. NOT RECOMMENDED: Trading your soul for Kansas City Royals season tickets. Or trading ANYthing for Kansas City Royals season tickets.
3. Watch out for loopholes! The Devil will find some kind of ironic method of undermining or entirely invalidating your exchange if you give him half a chance. For example, you wish for immortality, and you end up getting tricked into life imprisonment in jail or something. C’mon, you’ve seen THE TWILIGHT ZONE, you know what I’m talking about.
4. Now you’re ready to call forth the Devil and negotiate your deal. Using the blood of a goat, paint an unbroken circle in the floor of a deconsecrated church while reciting the Lord’s Prayer backwards. Or you can check the Yellow Pages under “Souls, bought and sold.” You know, whichever’s easier.
5. When the Devil appears, try not to choke or cough on the attendant smell of brimstone. That’s no way to make a first impression, especially with someone who wants to torture and consume your spirit right from the get-go. Putting a little Vapo-Rub right under your nose should do the trick.
6. Don’t be so much polite as entirely obsequious. Sure, it’s not classy or refined, but we’re not talking about dealing with particularly subtle folks, here. This isn’t teatime at Grandma’s house, this is bargaining with a hideous creature from the pit. Bow a lot. Don’t look him in the eye. You may have to kiss a lot of ass…I’m not being figurative about that, by the way.
7. Once you get the deal nailed down, you’re going to be expected to sign a contract with your blood. First, read the contract. No, REALLY read it, don’t just gloss over it like it’s a Microsoft software agreement. Keep in mind the Devil wrote this contract, and he’s as bad as, like, THREE Bill Gates, at least.
8. As for the actual signing of the contract, blood will have to be drawn, and it’s probably best if you let the Devil do it. He’s had a lot of practice, and, surprisingly, he’s very sanitary. Go figure. You, on the other hand, are probably nervous and shaking like a leaf at this point, and you’re just going to end up cutting yourself really badly and getting blood all over the place and, perhaps, getting some kind of infection and dying. And there the Devil will be, waiting for you in Hell and laughing and won’t you feel like such a sillypants?
9. Don’t be alarmed if, as soon as you sign the contract, the Devil snatches it up, laughs maniacally, and vanishes in a dramatic puff of smoke and flame. He does that to everybody. It PROBABLY doesn’t mean he just pulled a fast one on you. Best not to dwell on it.
10. So there you go! You’ve made your bargain with the Devil, and now you have everything you’ve ever dreamed of! Sure, you’ll have to watch your every move to make sure you’re not falling into some ironic comeuppance (see Step 3), and of course there’s the whole “eternal punishment after you die” thing, but surely that’s worth having a few decades of the good life!

TIPS

• Don’t ask the Devil if he can get you the autographs of some of his other clients. Look, you’re trying to do some business here. Don’t get distracted. You can always get Snooki’s signature later.
• In some rare cases, the Devil may take some early Metal Blade LP releases in VG++ to Mint condition in lieu of your soul. Inquire first.
• Avoid challenging the Devil to a fiddle battle unless you are Charlie Daniels.

Come with, large, unmarked bills to 2504 Castillo #3. Place your unmarked bills in an inconspicuous duffel bag. Place the bag behind that park bench. You will be contacted with further demands.

No cops.

Ask The Content Farm a question.