Life

All about your life and things about your life and being alive.

How to Sell Your Soul to the Devil

How to Sell Your Soul to the Devil

So it’s come to this…you’re at the end of your rope, you have no one else to turn to, no other options, nothing to lose. Well, except your soul, of course, and you know who can’t wait to get his red-hued, pointy-fingernailed mitts all over it? That’s right: Ol’ Scratch, Beelzebub, the Lord of...

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How to Hold a Viking Funeral

How to Hold a Viking Funeral

In the days past, the noble and kind Vikings of the Norse Lands (the lands with no horses) used to hold elaborate Viking funerals that marked the passing of a loved one or a brave warrior who killed everyone’s loved ones. Like most classical traditions, getting some of the required equipment might be hard...

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How to Become Immortal

How to Become Immortal

It’s a well-known fact that the only certainties in life are death and taxis. And while you can never escape taxis no matter how far you run, it’s actually quite easy to avoid dying.Here is how to keep not dying. STEPS Be born. This is pretty important, and a lot of people who want...

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How to Bury a Hooker in the Nevada Desert

How to Bury a Hooker in the Nevada Desert

According to movies, the two things you do in Las Vegas are make your retarded brother win at black jack and bury hookers in the Nevada desert. Since black jack no longer exists, hooker-burying has risen as much as 300% since I started typing this sentence. Here is how to bury a hooker in...

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How to Know You’re Alive

How to Know You’re Alive

Being alive is pretty great – so great that everyone I surveyed about it prefers being alive to being dead. But how can you know you’re REALLY alive? Here are some helpful tips to test your alive-ness. Touch a puppy’s nose. Is it wet? It is! It’s a wet puppy nose! Look at that...

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How to Calculate Your Age

How to Calculate Your Age

Your age is an important thing to know about yourself. You can’t go to school or drink alcohol or get into a good nursing home if you don’t know your age. But it’s hard to find out how old you are if you don’t know. Human beings aren’t horses; you can’t just cut us...

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How to Sob Uncontrollably

How to Sob Uncontrollably

Sometimes the only way to express yourself completely is to sob uncontrollably. And while it might seem like a contradiction in terms to need rules and guidelines to do something “uncontrollably,” we assure you that following these steps will help you unleash the howling mortal despair that gnaws at the core of your very...

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How to Have a Good Day

How to Have a Good Day

Feelin’ low? Like you haven’t got a friend in the world? Well, you’re in luck, because I’m going to describe some ways to make your day better. STEPS Leave me the fuck alone. By doing this you won’t have to worry about me ripping your mouth open with my hands and then spitting down...

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