How to Win the NCAA Tournament

In the late 19th Century, a Canadian basket maker named Joe Namath invented a new sport called “basketball.” Originally, this sport mostly consisted of sending young boys into the street and forcing them to sell baskets to passersby through demonstrations involving trying to fit leather balls or their entire bodies inside.

Over the years, the rules of the sport have have changed drastically, and for the past 70 years or so, college-attending men and women have played a version of the game that involves throwing a ball into a net above the floor so that people can wager money they have earned on it. Many young men and women dream of participating in the NCAA (North American College Athletes) Basketball Tournament and winning the prestigious Boy-in-a-Basket Trophy.

Here is how you can do that.

STEPS

  1. Practice basketball. Get good at putting basketballs into hoops, and stopping others from putting basketballs into hoops. You may also want to get acquainted with selling baskets to people, just in case a game you play in results in a tie and you have to compete in a sudden death sell-off.
  2. Go to high school. While in high school, play on the high school basketball team. To get a spot on the high school basketball team, beat the coach in a one-on-one game in which you dunk on him or her in front of the whole school. Also, while you are in high school, try to learn some things, or hire a nerd to learn things for you. This will come in handy in the next step.
  3. Get accepted to college. You can do this by excelling athletically in high school, but you must also do at least somewhat well academically. Be sure to bring the nerd from high school with you to college. Do some research to see which colleges have the best basketball teams, and try to go to those colleges.
  4. Join your college basketball team. Again, play the coach in a one-on-one game. But this time break the backboard when you dunk on him or her, and maybe bring down some of the scaffolding.
  5. Play through the regular college basketball season. You have to win enough games to get to the NCAA Tournament. College teams play around 33 games a season. Try to make your team win all of these. If they don’t, complain.
  6. Get into the NCAA tournament. Winning enough games or your conference title should do this, though it never hurts to grease the wheels a little, so buy plenty of grease and put it on all wheels you see.
  7. Win all the games you play in until you get to the finals. You should be used to doing this by now.
  8. Win the finals. You will be playing against another team  that is likely very good. Grease their wheels so maybe they won’t play as hard.

TIPS

  • Most athletes who play in the NCAA Tournament are between the ages of 18 and 22. If you are younger than this, wait. If you are older than this, your chances of accomplishing these steps diminish considerably with each year, so you better get on it.
  • Unfortunately, if you have already graduated from college, you cannot go back to play in the NCAA Tournament. You can, however, attempt to return as a coach, or as a team owner (this requires buying a  university).
  • There is more than one sports tournament in the NCAA. If you participate in one that involves attacking little horses with little castles, you have entered the wrong one and should re-read this guide.