How to Watch TV

Many people these days want to watch TV instead of doing other things.

This is the right way to live, because it can lead to entertainment, which leads to satisfaction. To be fully satisfied, you need to know how to watch TV without making fatal mistakes or accidentally ending up on the Golf Channel.


  1. Find the TV in your house. You don’t have to go and buy one because you already have at least on in your house. Walk around until you find it. Call out, “TV!” and see if something answers.
  2. Look for a chair that is near the TV that you already have. That is the “TV chair.” It came with your TV, which came with your house.
  3. Sit in the TV chair. If it is dirty, put a blanket over it first so that you don’t get vomit or TV juices on your pants.
  4. Find the remote. Wait, do that before you sit in the chair. You will know the remote when you see it. It’s the thing that turns on the TV.
  5. Look at the remote. Using your eyes, locate the “on” button. The “on” button refers to the TV, not to the remote. You don’t have to turn the remote on to use it. It is on all the time, kind of like those fucked-up cake-baking shows.
  6. Push the “on” button and watch whatever is on. If you don’t like what you see, watch until something else comes on. Your patience will be rewarded with something slightly better eventually, like a cake-baking show.


  • Do not cut the TV cord with scissors. This can lead to the death of the TV.
  • Never throw water or orange juice at the TV to make something better come on. To make something better come on, just wait as long as you have to.
  • Sometimes the “on” button on your remote will be labeled “power.” That means it’s harder to push, so really take a good swing at it.
  • If porn comes on, turn the TV up to its highest level so that your neighbors can enjoy it too. It’s neighborly.