How to Walk in High Heels

Growing up, I wish my Mother had taught me more useful thingsthan astrophysics and the meaning of life.

This one goes out to all you gals out there with equally negligent mothers, and who weren’t fortunate enough to have grown up with a transvestite father.


  1. Purchase some shoes with high heels. Surprisingly, not all shoes have these standard. Ask at your local shoe emporium, and avoid the following pit-falls:
    • Snow shoes – These are the ones that look suspiciously like tennis rackets.
    • Tennis shoes – Confusingly, these ones look nothing like tennis rackets.
    • Tennis rackets – All right, enough time-wasting in the sports shop now! I know the assistants are sometimes hot, but we’re on a mission here.
    • Uggs – These are only suitable for upscale celebrities looking to pretend to be tramps for the day, or vice versa.
    • Penny loafers – Easily mistaken for high heels; the only way to identify them is by the penny.
    • Crocs – The Geneva Convention discourages the wearing of these shoes by anyone over the age of 5, for humanitarian reasons. If you’re not trained in these matters, they can also cause you to get stuck in escalators, and nobody wants that, especially not the UN. They know what’s best for you (like the mother you wish you’d had).
  2. Step out, first, of the shop (after purchasing, unless you are confident of your ability to run fast in heels), and then of the humdrum heel-less life you once knew.
  3. Paint the town red, or an appropriate color of your choice (maybe to match your new shoes!)
  4. Drink enough alcohol to numb the unbearable pain of your new heels and your shallow materialistic existence.
  5. Find the burliest man you can to piggy-back you and your abominably blistered feet home. You can reward your trusty steed with promises of coffee or “coffee” (see ‘How to create Sex Euphemisms’ for more details).
  6. Wake up and vow never to wear heels again.


  • Before you go out shopping, you should learn the difference between regular high heels and “stilettos.” Stilettos are equipped with murder blades you may use for murders.
  • Occasionally you may break a heel while you are out walking. Use this as an excuse to get someone to carry you around even before you go home, or to play a game of “How much broken glass can I avoid?”
  • You should be sure to wear the right clothes with your high heels. Little black dresses, miniskirts or wedding dresses work best. Only the most advanced heel wearers can pull them off in coveralls or hoop skirts.