So it’s come to this…you’re at the end of your rope, you have no one else to turn to, no other options, nothing to lose. Well, except your soul, of course, and you know who can’t wait to get his red-hued, pointy-fingernailed mitts all over it?
That’s right: Ol’ Scratch, Beelzebub, the Lord of the Flies, Lucifer, Number 2 Fiddler — the Devil is ready and waiting to take your soul in exchange for the satisfaction of your worldly desires, and we here at The Content Farm are happy to send you along the left hand path to success!
- You’re going to want to check the current market value of souls before entering any kind of exchange or contract. Avoid professional auction houses, estate sales, or price guides, as they may feature inflated values. Searching closed auctions on eBay will likely give you more realistic expectations.
- Make sure want you want in exchange for your soul will be worth spending your eternal afterlife eyeball-deep in flaming hot lava or having your entrails continually eaten by gibbering and insatiable imps. RECOMMENDED: Trading your soul for wealth and/or power. NOT RECOMMENDED: Trading your soul for Kansas City Royals season tickets. Or trading ANYthing for Kansas City Royals season tickets.
- Watch out for loopholes! The Devil will find some kind of ironic method of undermining or entirely invalidating your exchange if you give him half a chance. For example, you wish for immortality, and you end up getting tricked into life imprisonment in jail or something. C’mon, you’ve seen THE TWILIGHT ZONE, you know what I’m talking about.
- Now you’re ready to call forth the Devil and negotiate your deal. Using the blood of a goat, paint an unbroken circle in the floor of a deconsecrated church while reciting the Lord’s Prayer backwards. Or you can check the Yellow Pages under “Souls, bought and sold.” You know, whichever’s easier.
- When the Devil appears, try not to choke or cough on the attendant smell of brimstone. That’s no way to make a first impression, especially with someone who wants to torture and consume your spirit right from the get-go. Putting a little Vapo-Rub right under your nose should do the trick.
- Don’t be so much polite as entirely obsequious. Sure, it’s not classy or refined, but we’re not talking about dealing with particularly subtle folks, here. This isn’t teatime at Grandma’s house, this is bargaining with a hideous creature from the pit. Bow a lot. Don’t look him in the eye. You may have to kiss a lot of ass…I’m not being figurative about that, by the way.
- Once you get the deal nailed down, you’re going to be expected to sign a contract with your blood. First, read the contract. No, REALLY read it, don’t just gloss over it like it’s a Microsoft software agreement. Keep in mind the Devil wrote this contract, and he’s as bad as, like, THREE Bill Gates, at least.
- As for the actual signing of the contract, blood will have to be drawn, and it’s probably best if you let the Devil do it. He’s had a lot of practice, and, surprisingly, he’s very sanitary. Go figure. You, on the other hand, are probably nervous and shaking like a leaf at this point, and you’re just going to end up cutting yourself really badly and getting blood all over the place and, perhaps, getting some kind of infection and dying. And there the Devil will be, waiting for you in Hell and laughing and won’t you feel like such a sillypants?
- Don’t be alarmed if, as soon as you sign the contract, the Devil snatches it up, laughs maniacally, and vanishes in a dramatic puff of smoke and flame. He does that to everybody. It PROBABLY doesn’t mean he just pulled a fast one on you. Best not to dwell on it.
- So there you go! You’ve made your bargain with the Devil, and now you have everything you’ve ever dreamed of! Sure, you’ll have to watch your every move to make sure you’re not falling into some ironic comeuppance (see Step 3), and of course there’s the whole “eternal punishment after you die” thing, but surely that’s worth having a few decades of the good life!
- Don’t ask the Devil if he can get you the autographs of some of his other clients. Look, you’re trying to do some business here. Don’t get distracted. You can always get Snooki’s signature later.
- In some rare cases, the Devil may take some early Metal Blade LP releases in VG++ to Mint condition in lieu of your soul. Inquire first.
- Avoid challenging the Devil to a fiddle battle unless you are Charlie Daniels.