How to Open a Door

There are many doors that are part of our perceived reality. Doors have many viable ways of opening, via doorknob, automatic sensor or those awesome flapping ones in western saloons.

But it’s hard to know how to open all these differenc kinds of doors. This guide will provide a full-proof way to enter 99.37% of all doors where gravity is present.

STEPS

  1. Determine if there is gravity. Use an apple tree if necessary.
  2. Determine the weakest part of the door. A physics degree or carpentry experience is not necessary, but helpful.
  3. Step back 25 to 20 feet.
  4. Begin running toward door as fast as you can.
  5. Jump into the air around 4 feet from the door.
  6. Extend both legs until fully extended. Wearing heavy footwear will cushion the blow.
  7. Scream like this: “AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!” It will make you look better.
  8. Make contact with the door.
  9. Stand up.
  10. Proceed past the door.

TIPS

  • If you are on the International Space Station or a shuttle there is no gravity. Please contact a representing nation’s space agency for more information about opening those doors.
  • If you are opening an elevator door, aim your feet for the up or down button.
  • If you are opening a car door, aim your feet for the driver’s side window.
  • This method may be used to enter a swimming pool or stop a mugger.
  • Do not use this method to open a window over the 4th floor. Serious injury may occur.