How to Judge Other Parents

So Bobby just got busted for vandalizing the next door neighbor’s mailbox and Sally has a raging meth habit. How do you feel better about yourself when your children have turned into little monsters? Shore up your self-esteem by judging other people! Find some other parents with worse children than yours and you will soon feel that all is right with the world.

STEPS

  1. Go to where parents congregate with children (but don’t be creepy). Good options include: playland at a fast food restaurant, local zoo, park, that vacant lot littered with needles on the corner of Highsmith and Green street.
  2. Observe other parents with their children. Are they yelling? Does the child seem incredibly well behaved? Is there a smudge of dirt on its face or does it have a runny nose?
  3. Pick a parent to criticize. Maybe they’re younger than you, or have a nicer cell phone.
  4. Deploy your disapproval. With your tongue close to the roof of your mouth, make a “Tsk Tsk” noise. If the parent you are disapproving of doesn’t notice your noise because they are too busy parenting, repeat the “Tsk Tsk” until they look at you.

Tips and Warnings:

  • Parents are defensive and easily startled. Make sure they don’t have a weapon close at hand, like one of those blinky shoes.
  • Handy phrases to shout include “Babies need socks!”, “Leashes are for dogs, not for your quadruplets!”, “You can’t put a girl in a Lightning McQueen shirt!”, “What? You need to cut that toddler’s hair he looks like a godless hippie!”