How to Housebreak Your Dog

Dogs are dumber than most people, which is why they’re pets. In fact, they’re almost as dumb as the dumbest of all humans: babies.

Dogs don’t naturally know that they can’t just poop any time or place they please, like in your hat or in your shoes or in your dinner, so they need to be taught how to do so. This guide will get your dog pooping correctly in no time.

STEPS

  1. Dogs are used to being in a pack, and you must assert yourself as the leader of the pack. Dress in black leather, ride a motorcycle, and date the lead singer of the Shangri-Las.
  2. You must have a house. If you and your dog live outside, there is no further outside he can go to in order to poop. It is against the law everywhere to train him to poop in other peoples’ houses.
  3. Lay down newspaper in a corner of your house. It should contain only stories about dogs who successfully have been housebroken, to inspire yours to this goal.
  4. Prime the newspaper by pooping on it yourself.
  5. When the dog poops on the newspaper, praise him with words like “Good boy!” or “Long live his majesty!”
  6. When the dog does not poop on the newspaper, express your disgust by loudly and dramatically writing it out of your will.
  7. Once the dog is used to pooping on the newspaper, slowly move the newspaper outdoors. You should move it no more than a half-inch per week.

TIPS AND WARNINGS

  • This guide assumes your dog is male because it is impossible to housebreak female dogs, which are called “cats”.
  • You want to be done with that newspaper first.
  • In step 7, a half inch is .0000127 kilometers.