How to Hold a Viking Funeral

In the days past, the noble and kind Vikings of the Norse Lands (the lands with no horses) used to hold elaborate Viking funerals that marked the passing of a loved one or a brave warrior who killed everyone’s loved ones.

Like most classical traditions, getting some of the required equipment might be hard to do. Just fill in with the closest replacement you have within reach.

STEPS

  1. Procure a dead body. Technically, the body must be of a dead warrior. If you are having issue finding one, running up behind someone with a gun and yelling “I challenge you to a duel!” is acceptable, as is digging up a former player for the Golden State Warriors.
  2. Acquire a body of water. Or find one. It works best if there aren’t other people around. If there are, make sure it is either the 4th of July or President’s Day, so as to not attract attention to yourself. (Warning: Burning a boat on Arbor Day is a big Norse No-No.)
  3. Discover a boat. Any boat will work, I mean, a boat is a boat, right?
  4. Place the body in the boat. Do not get in the boat with the body. If you want to go for a little ride, find a different boat.
  5. Christen the boat. Take a bottle of the finest wine made of the grapes of the homeland and smack that boat like it owes you money.
  6. Light the boat ablaze. If you defied me and got in the boat earlier, this is where you’ll discover why you should listen.
  7. Check for your phone. Seriously, if you dropped it in there, you are kind of screwed.
  8. Wait for Ragnarok. When the Aesir fall, your mission will be over, Odin-Son and you may finally regain your throne.

TIPS

  • If you wish to hold a traditional New Orleans Viking funeral, you must put a jazz band in the boat with the body.
  • Wearing a horned Viking helmet while holding the funeral is offensive and inaccurate if you don’t wear the rest of the outfit, which consists of animal hides, human skin and axes.
  • If you lack the immortality required to wait for the end of the days and the death of the gods, most funeral parlors offer the “Heimdall Special.”
  • Waiting until the sun goes down to light the ship is not only more dramatic, but it is also better for the environment. (The sun hates smoke.)