How to Grow a Moustache

If there’s anything hotter right now than moustaches, I don’t know what it is, because I don’t really read any news and am just assuming moustaches are hot.

What young man has never looked at himself in a mirror and envisioned a lush, virile swathe of hair adorning his upper lip? Here’s how to get one of your own.


  1. Since September 11, 2001, all moustaches must be registered with the Department of Homeland Security, Moustache and Firearms Division. You will need to go to your local office and inform them of your possession of or desire to possess a moustache. The location of this office can be found in the blue pages of your phone book.
  2. Once you are at the office, you will need to qualify for moustache ownership. First, you must be a man, so save everyone some question time by showing up naked from the waist down.
  3. Only liberals ever want moustaches, so you will need to be registered either in a left-wing party such as the Democrats, Greens, or Socialists, or in a fake right-wing party started by George Soros to steal votes from Republicans, such as the Tea Party or Whigs.
  4. As every man with a moustache is gay, there will be a handsome young man there you’ll be expected to kiss and enjoy kissing.
  5. There are as many different moustache styles as there are fish in the sea, and most of them don’t smell as bad. Be prepared to choose from such options as “The Buffalo Bill Range Rover”, “The John Waters Delight”, and “The 13-Year Old’s Thready Whispers”.
  6. With moustache license in hand, you are now prepared to start growing and styling! Basically, cut off any hair below your nose and above your mouth that doesn’t look like your chosen moustache. Be aware that a Van Dyke is not technically a moustache.
  7. Get a stick for fighting off the ladies who will be swarming towards you, but whom you’re not interested in because you’re gay.


  • If the Moustache Registration Office isn’t listen in the phone book, the 911 operator will be happy to tell you where it is.
  • Women cannot grow moustaches as the Bible forbids it.
  • That Moustache Registration Office is kind of a sausage party.