How to Create a Frankenstein

Vampires will soon become passé. Zombies are all but played out. And werewolves? Don’t make us laugh. Instead, make a mockery of life.

Follow this guide and soon your name will be a curse to your neighbors!

STEPS

  1. Do not listen to anyone. Your friends and colleagues are fools. Fools! Don’t worry. They will come around after a few have been found with crushed trachea. For now, pay no heed.
  2. Practice your stitchery. No one fears a Frankenstein with sagging seams. While loose skin can be fed through a sewing machine or serger, you’ll want a needle and thread for the most important patchwork.
  3. Hire a hunchback. Sure, you can go with any lab assistant, but why not choose the best? Besides, their concentrated center of gravity allows them to hoist coffins with ease.
  4. Get some body parts. All of the flashy lab equipment in the Old World won’t help if you skimp here. Cemeteries and mortuaries are obvious sources, but don’t overlook happy accidents such as fatal Segway collisions. If you have access to a loaner Frankenstein, a well-timed rampage can provide an ample supply of fresh material.
  5. Don’t forget the legs. Without lower limbs, your Frankenstein will be little more than an angry torso. Spare arms can be used in a pinch, though you may want to devise shoes for your creature’s “foothands” if it’s a long walk to the closest village.
  6. Harness the lightning. Acquire an assortment of electrical apparatuses. It’s less important what they do than that they have lots of dials and gauges. Oversized switches can make for dramatic resurrections. Jacob’s ladders add a bit of panache. Strickfaden Supply (est. 1931) offers a wide variety of devices that appear to have some vaguely defined function.
  7. Bring life to your creation. Claims of godhood may sound arrogant to your ears, but they are expected.
    Make sure that you tightened the straps. This really should’ve been step 7.
  8. Run. Runnnnn!

TIPS

  • Inevitably, others will point out that “Frankenstein” was the doctor, not the monster. Send your Frankenstein to choke them in their sleep.
  • Extinguish all open flames before bringing your Frankenstein to life. Failure may result in accidental strangulation.