How to Commit the Perfect Murder

Is your elderly aunt the only thing that stands between you and that new car? Would the world be better off without that miser next door? Is your boss just getting really annoying and unreasonable about meeting your deadlines? Well, it sounds like you need to kill someone.

Killing someone is a quick and reasonable solution for everything from minor disagreements with neighbors to preventing the rise of a future fascist dictator, though it is somewhat socially frowned upon, and is in fact illegal in many states. So if you’re going to kill someone, best to do it in a way that you won’t get caught.

  1. Choose a location. Murder, like real estate, is all about location, location, location. You want to choose a site where you can quickly and conveniently kill your victim without attracting unwanted attention from nosy neighbors or curious passersby, or worse, police responding to the sounds of struggle. If any of those things happen, you will have to hunt down and kill any potential witnesses, as well as any witnesses to that murder. Should this happen, see our article How To Kill A Number of People Over Time to Quiet the Demands of Your Neighbor’s Dog, as much of the advice is applicable. Good locations for murders are sub-basements of abandoned buildings, unattended camping sites during the off-season, and wherever the Seattle Mariners play.
  2. Choose your weapon. A quick and clean kill is in your best interest, which may lead you to believe that your best bet is a gun. You couldn’t be more wrong. Guns are loud, which brings up the issue of potential witnesses again, and they also leave markings that can be traced back to your gun. Which means you now have to dispose of a body and a gun, smart guy. Besides which, unless you spend months training to gain perfect aim, it is likely that your victim will linger. Oh, how they will linger. Knives would appear to be a less attractive option, as they require you to be close enough to your victim to feel their last gasping breath leave the body of that shrew from accounting who keeps rejecting your expense reports, as well as the potential to leave fingerprints behind. But, unlike guns, knives can be easily wiped clean of fingerprints and blood-stains in a mild bleach solution. It’s another step in your clean-up, but well worth it.
  3. Choose your method. Now that you’ve settled on your weapon, you need to choose how to dispatch your victim. Stabbing directly through the heart is the quickest and most effective way, but you must have exceptional upper-body strength in stab through the rib-cage, so this is not a method for ladies and milquetoasts. A blitz attack from behind in which you slash your victims throat works well for most people, and has the added benefit of keeping arterial spray directed away from you. As satisfying as brutal repeated stabbings, over and over and over again, into that braying jackass who refuses to trim his hedges to regulation height as agreed upon in the condominium’s owner compact would be, this is not an effective method. Messiness is to be avoided, as it just leads to more clean-up, and industrial solvents aren’t as cheap as it used to be.
  4. Dispose of the body. Now that you’ve killed that paperboy who keeps “forgetting” to deliver your Sunday edition, you need to dispose of the body in a way that it won’t be found, except possibly by archeologists (at which point, you will be dead, and unlikely to face prosecution for your actions). There are two places to dispose of a body: where you killed it, and where you didn’t. Where you killed it is convenient, and with a little prep-time disposing of the body is a snap. In the woods, a deep grave, at least six to eight feet, is ideal (don’t want the body being dug up by hungry scavengers and being tripped over by a Boy Scout troop), but requires extensive pre-murder time. It might also be necessary to rent a back-hoe to dig the pit if the grave if the ground is excessively rocky, which leads to paperwork and the eventual murder of Hank at the hard-ware store. If your murder was committed in an abandoned building, a deep tub of lye or acid are effective, though time-consuming, and bring up the eventual problem of disposing of Hank as well.

TIPS AND WARNINGS

  • Television shows such as CSI and Bones often make it appear as if the police have magic, crime-solving computers that can trace your location to within 100 yards if you leave so much as a skin follicle at the scene of the crime. This is largely fiction, a result of the need to have a criminal arrested within forty-five minutes in order to keep an audience happy. Real forensic science is exhaustive, tedious, horribly back-logged and yet to be subjected to double-blind, clinical tests of it’s accuracy. In other words, you probably don’t have much to worry about, unless you’re dragged into an interview room by an FBI agent who likes like that guy from Buffy.
  • Be careful of the FBI, though. They definitely do have magic, crime-solving computers.
  • When short on time, remember, spreading bleach over everything probably isn’t a bad idea.