How to Become Immortal

It’s a well-known fact that the only certainties in life are death and taxis.

And while you can never escape taxis no matter how far you run, it’s actually quite easy to avoid dying.Here is how to keep not dying.


  1. Be born. This is pretty important, and a lot of people who want to be immortal forget this part. If you’re not sure you will be born, just wait until immortality kicks in, use that time to invent a time machine, go back in time and through a hilarious set of circumstances deflect your mother’s natural lust for you toward your future father.
  2. Become aware that you’re alive. Humans are unique in that they possess sentience, which is a combination of feelings, sensations and perceptions that combine to form consciousness. While this may sound complicated, you’re actually doing it right now. You are aware that you are aware! Just keep doing that and never stop.
  3. Get older. No one wants to be an immortal baby. That’s stupid.
  4. Sever all emotional ties. One of the simple truths of immortality is that you will outlive everyone you love, and their children, and their children’s children. Oh well!
  5. Avoid taxis. They can smell immortals and would-be immortals on the wind, and they will come for you.
  6. Eat well and exercise. This is good advice even if you plan on dying. Once you begin winding your way down through the aeons, dodging taxis and forgetting how to mourn the passing of loved ones, you will want to eat your feelings. Go for a nice walk and a low-fat Greek  yogurt instead.
  7. Forget to die. This is important. To help with this, pick up a time-consuming hobby, such as crossword puzzles or watercolor painting. As long as you do this, you will be immortal!


  • Wait at least seven generations before trying to have sex with one of your descendants.
  • Consider becoming a vampire. Just walk around at night saying “Bleh! Bleh!” until it happens.
  • Some people and religions posit that nothing ever truly “dies”; either the soul reincarnates into another living creature or, for those with a more scientific bent, our energy and matter are simply re-purposed elsewhere in the universe. Whatever. Do you want to be a Highlander or not?