How to Urinate While Standing Upright

You may have experienced it: that increasingly uncomfortable feeling in your pelvic region, followed by inexplicable wetness. These steps can offer you blessed relief from that wetness, though we cannot make any guarantees about the discomfort.

For this procedure, we are going to assume that you are standing upright. Attempting to urinate while seated implies one of two things:

  • You are female.
  • You are also defecating.

These additional complications are beyond the scope of this article. For more information, see the article titled, “How to Urinate While Female and/or Defecating.”

STEPS

  1. Drink something. The larger and more caffeinated, the better. Many newbies ignore this step, and stop living as a result.
  2. Pay attention. You will eventually notice a fullness. This is due to the fluid increase in what doctors refer to as your pee bag.
  3. Find a suitable location. You can’t just urinate anywhere. Trust me on this one. Many public buildings offer special facilities. Often these are denoted by a stick figure and the legend “Men.” (Avoid: skirt-wearing stick figures.) If you are in a theme restaurant, other words to seek out include: “Hombres,” “Cowpokes,” “Vikings” and “Penises.”
  4. Locate a porcelain object. Many urination-relieving devices are made of white porcelain. We’re not sure why. It may be a relic of less-enlightened racial politics.
  5. Unzip your pants. This may be the most important step.
  6. Pull out what you find there. The thing that is attached to you will expel urine into the porcelain object. Anything else in there should probably be removed. Because readers of all ages visit this site, we will refer to your dick as your “dinky.”
  7. Release the tension. Contemplate something stress-free, like baseball statistics or the names of the bounty hunters in “The Empire Strikes Back.”
  8. Check the stream. Your urine should be clear to a medium yellow. Other colors may require follow-up actions on your part. What some of the colors may mean:
    • Orange: Cut back on the Mountain Dew LiveWire.
    • Green: This can be a sign of photosynthesis. Get lots of sunlight.
    • Red: If you are not a Kool-Aid man, seek medical attention.
    • Purple: Yikes.
    • Cobalt Blue: You may be Batman. Check to see if you are fighting crime while you urinate.
    • White: You are currently having sex or are a cow. These, too, is beyond the scope of this document.
  9. Once flow has stopped, shake. Do this in the exact order given here.
  10. Zip up. I should have noted before giving this instruction that you really ought to restore your dinky to your pants before zipping. Sorry!

TIPS

  • Be courteous. If another man is standing next to you, say nothing, even if he talks to you, is your friend or asks you for help.
  • Don’t forget to flush. This may not be applicable in the case of waterless urinals, robo-urinals or Cylon facilities.
  • Your own home may include a dedicated room for urination and similar activities. Look for tile. (However, if the tiled room includes a refrigerator, do NOT urinate there.)
  • In a pinch, other possibilities for places to urinate include: Communal showers, outhouses, bushes and shrubs, your boss’ office.