How to Strike Gold

Ever since man first discovered gold in California in 1849, the fastest way to get rich has been to find and sell the precious metal (also known as “the color,” “not-black gold,” “Texas tin,” “king’s copper,” “winner’s bronze,” etc.) to society types who like to wear and eat it.

But finding gold isn’t as easy as it may sound. It’s not like you can just break some glass, walk into a store that’s full of it, and take it. If you could, literally everyone would do that all the time. You have to find gold in the ground, where it grows naturally. Or possibly in water. This is how you find gold in the ground and/or water.


  1. Get gold-finding tools. Such tools include pick axes, pans, metal detectors, Gold Radar™, grizzle, whiskey, shovels and silver (so you can tell the difference).
  2. Make inquiries. Ask everyone you come into contact with, “Where might I be able to strike gold?” Eventually you will find a kindred spirit who will allow you to join his or her wagon party to the latest gold bonanza.
  3. Search for gold. You can do this by walking around on a beach or a mountain or a mesa with your metal detector. Note that not all metals you will find will be gold. You will find many bottlecaps and beer cans first. Very few of those are made of gold. You may also find gold by putting a pan in some water and waiting for gold to go into it.
  4. Be patient. Finding gold could take several hours.
  5. Identify what you have found as gold. You can tell by the color, which is gold.
  6. Extract the gold. Once you have located gold, you must get it out of the rock or the water or the sand in which you found it. This is one of the reasons you brought your tools. Read each tool’s instructions to see how to extract gold with it.
  7. Take your gold home. For this you should have a wheelbarrow, which I neglected to mention in the list of tools. You need it because gold is heavy and you probably found a lot. Be sure to hurry. Gold thieves wait around every corner, just looking for a wheelbarrow-full to pop by.
  8. Sell your gold. Call all your friends asking them if they’d like to buy some gold. Most will probably say yes.


  • There is a type of gold called fool’s gold that is not as valuable as the regular kind. They call it fool’s gold because it is gold that belongs to a fool. Don’t be a fool.
  • Some people on TV say gold is more valuable than money. This may be true, but it’s also true that Costco does not accept gold as payment for beans and other such provisions. Trust me on this one.
  • One difficulty in finding gold will be that most of the gold that natrually can be found in the earth is not labeled. If you find something that is labeled as gold, you may have found a bag of Rold Gold pretzels or a Little Richard greatest hits collection CD.