How to Stop Thieves from Stealing Your Pie

Everyone loves pie, and that is the problem. Sometimes you make a pie and then thieves come along and steal it, which is no fun for anybody but the thieves. A recent survey found that 100 percent of pie thieves love pie. You can’t fight those odds!

Here’s how to keep your pie from being stolen.


  1. Make a pie. Use an oven, because in the Western world pies are always hot.
  2. Cool your pie off. Set your pie on an open window sill unattended so it can cool.
  3. Realize your pie is unsafe. Windowsills are transparent and also smells come through them. The thieves will allow the smell to lead them right to the pie as they float through the air.
  4. Look for a secure place to put your pie so thieves can’t steal it. We recommend inside a safe, a dog house, or a giant mouse trap.
  5. Return to get your pie so you can put it in the secure place. Damn it! The pie is gone. You just left it on the window sill for a moment, and now thieves have stolen it! Damn it all to hell!
  6. Curse the heavens. Why has God forsaken you? Why must thieves steal your pie? WHY?


  • An easy way to avoid having your pie stolen would be to not make pies at all, but then you’ve let the thieves win, haven’t you?
  • On the other hand, if you make a pie and the thieves steal it, the pie thieves have still won, haven’t they?
  • Maybe you should make a cake or a strudel.