How to Pick Your Nose

They say you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but what if your friends were forced on you by an oppressive one world government, and also you don’t know how to pick your nose? For many people reading this article, these are real problems that need to be solved. This article will help you figure out the tricky art of nose picking. For the former, see the article titled “How to Be a V for Vendetta.”

Here is the method for picking your nose correctly so as to clean it of the stuff that gets in there.


  1. Locate your nose. Unless you’re that guy from “The Humpty Dance” and it’s possibly on your dresser, this should be somewhere around the middle of your face.
  2. Locate your nostrils. These should be in the area of the underside of your nose. They will be two big holes, one on the left and one on the right, or possibly one on top and one on the bottom if you are laying down or just finished a boxing match.
  3. Choose your utensil. Many decide to go with an exposed finger, but some people find this to be unsanitary. Consider putting a square of tissue over your finger, using a sterilized butter knife or hiring a local crazy man who is obsessed with washing his hands.
  4. Insert the utensil into your nostril. It would be best to do one nostril, then the other, as trying to do both could lead to jealousies between them. Be sure to hit the nostrils as well. If you hit your eyes, you are now almost definitely blind and we apologize.
  5. Find something solid. You know the old rhyme: “If it’s liquid, that’s snot; if it’s solid, that’s not snot.” Keep this in mind as you look for substances other than mucus.
  6. Pull the solid thing out of your nose. Be aware that it should probably not be cartilage.
  7. Put that solid thing somewhere. The first place you see should be fine. Under your chair, bathroom wall, on the dog, wherever.


  • Those hairs in your nose are not those solid things I was talking about earlier and you should not pull them out with your fingers or a butter knife. Trim with scissors or an electric trimmer those as you would your pubic region. For extra sex appeal, leave a “landing strip.”
  • Uptight types will tell you that picking your nose is gross, but what you don’t know is that hundreds of those people die every year from what doctors call “booger suffocation.”
  • Don’t eat it, though. They’re not very good raw.
  • Blood may come out while picking your nose. This is normal, to a degree. When you pass out, you have reached that degree.