How to Obtain a Driver’s License

Cars, trucks, minivans, wood-paneled station wagons, motorcycles, forklifts and NASCARs. What do these things have in common? They are all driven by people like you, but with one exception – they have driver’s licenses! “But how can I become like them?” you are probably asking to yourself.

Well, ask no more! Getting a driver’s license may seem hard, but it is actually an easy thing to do. Anyone can do it, as long as they are of age and have functional to semi-functional limbs. If you follow the steps below, you should have a license in no time and be behind the wheel of the vehicle of your choice shortly after that.

STEPS

  1. Become the legal driving age. In many places, that age is 16. The way to get there is to wait 16 years from when you are 0.
  2. Study the driving laws. Your local government should have a copy of the driving laws and regulations for your area on file. Barring access to these documents, stand in the middle of the street and observe how others drive. The honking is the other drivers encouraging your pursuit of knowledge.
  3. Take the eye test. You will be required to identify all kinds of different letters, signs and eyes.
  4. Take the written driving test. The written or computerized portion of the driving test consists of a series of multiple choice questions related to driving. Choose carefully because there is no bonus essay portion. Also, cutting out pictures of cars for a “Give me my license” collage will not earn you extra credit.
  5. Complete the road portion of your driver’s test. In this portion of the test, you will get behind the wheel of an actual car and an actual person will judge your actual performance on actual roads. It should be noted that there are no “surprise” behind the wheel tests, so if someone jumps in the passenger seat of your car with a gun and says “drive,” this is likely not your instructor.
  6. Fill out the necessary paperwork. This will provide the DMV with the information they need to create your license. Make sure you know answers to questions like “What is my name?” “How tall am I?” and “Have I donated my organs yet?”
  7. Have your photo taken. Sit down and look ahead and a person will take your picture. The photo must be of your face, even if other parts of you look better or are more identifiable.

TIPS AND WARNINGS

  • Get there early! The lines at the Department of Motor Vehicles (or DMV as it’s known to its friends) are notoriously long. Why not beat the crowd? Come by the day before and ask a DMV employee to drive you the next morning. They are known for their sunny, helpful demeanors so they will be sure to help you get to the front of the line.
  • When taking your behind the wheel test, relax! It sure can be nerve-wracking to drive with a stranger as he/she grades your performance. Loosen up a bit before getting behind the wheel. Valium, whisky, and marijuana are all scientifically proven to help you relax. Your instructor will appreciate your effort.
  • Hovercars do not exist. If you see a question about them on your driver’s test, please note that you are not reading your driver’s test and instead are reading the screenplay to Back to the Future Part II.
  • Remember, the requirements to receive a driver’s license differ from state to state and sometimes county to county. For instance, in Pearl, Mississippi, if you can show up with a car of any kind, they just hand you one.