How to Mow a Lawn

If you have a lawn, lawnmowers can be used to mow it. Mowing it means making the grass, which is what lawns are usually made of, shorter than it was before.

But you can’t just throw lawnmowers at your grass and make it shorter. You will merely dent it. Also, that is a waste of lawnmowers. For most lawns, you only need one. Below you will find advice for mowing a lawn using only one lawnmower.

STEPS

  1. Figure out if you have a lawn. If you are not sure, ask your neighbor or landlord. If that person tells you that you’re living in an apartment, then it is likely you do not own a lawn.
  2. Obtain a lawnmower. If you do have a lawn, you may already have a lawnmower hidden somewhere under the many feet of grass and weeds you have never mowed. If you can’t find it, or you can’t reach it through the wild bamboo reeds, go to a lawnmower store and buy one.
  3. Put gas in the lawnmower. Most lawnmowers use gas to operate. If you discover you bought an electric one, be sure to get a very long extension cord, and also not to mow it.
  4. Try to crank the lawnmower. There is a string on the motor that you have to pull to get it to start. Pull it hard. No–no, you’re not pulling it hard enough–You know what? Let’s take a break. There’s some lemonade inside, I think.
  5. Ask a neighborhood kid to mow the lawn for you. The kid will probably ask for like, 20 bucks, which is way too much. Tell him how greedy he is.
  6. Watch a nature show. There’s still a lot of day left. You’ll get around to cutting the grass before it gets dark. This one is about tigers. They steal goats from farmers and eat them.
  7. Find out what goats eat on Wikipedia. They eat a lot of things, but one of those things is grass. Maybe you should have gotten some goats.
  8. While you’re on Wikipedia, read all about the Curse of the Billy Goat. The Cubs just aren’t ever going to win, are they?
  9. Oh shit, it’s dark out. Just do it tomorrow.

TIPS

  • When you finally do mow your lawn, sometimes leaves will be laying on the lawn and will get mowed, too. That is simply a fact of life and the leaves must be cut. Feel no remorse for them. They merely got in your way.
  • You’d better move the sticks in your lawn, though. They fight back.
  • Not every lawn needs to be mowed. A lot of sports stadiums have what is called magic grass, and they don’t mow it, because it mows itself. With these savings, sports teams can pay athletes many millions of dollars.
  • There are two kinds of lawnmowers: The pushing kind and the riding kind. Be aware of which one you have. If you try to push a riding kind or ride a pushing kind, they will only work in that one spot.