How to Massage My Wife

Sometimes my wife needs a real good massage to unwind at the end of the day. Since my accident, I haven’t been able to give her what she needs.

So we’ve taken to finding strong men to massage my wife as deeply as she needs, for as long as she wants. Someone like you.

  1. Limber yourself up before you begin. You don’t want to embarrass yourself by cramping up while un-cramping my wife!
  2. Haha, I like to tell jokes.
  3. If you’re feeling tense, why not have some red wine?
  4. It’s a Pinot.
  5. OK, my wife is laid out for you. Be confident; she likes confident men.
  6. Don’t be afraid. We’re all adults here.
  7. Why don’t you take your shirt off?
  8. I’m just going to turn the lights down to set the mood.
  9. Begin at the shoulders. Tension tends to “bunch up” the shoulder muscles, and you’ll see my wife’s can be like rocks at the end of a long day.
  10. Really get in there. Use the balls of your thumbs to dig deep. She may moan at this point; that means you’re doing it right.
  11. If you need some oils, I have some on a silver tray right beside the bed.
  12. Yes, that’s the kind that heats up while you use it.
  13. Go down further. Work your thumbs into the shoulder blades, then down the spine.
  14. It’s OK; those slip off all the time. Don’t worry about it.
  15. No, really, you’re doing fine.
  16. Too fast! Take your time. A relaxed masseuse is a relaxed masseur.
  17. It means “man giving the massage.”
  18. Deeper… lower…
  19. Let me just get comfortable. It can be so hard to get comfortable in a wheelchair.
  20. There…
  21. OK…
  22. Deeper…
  23. Do it.
  24. Do it!


  • At some point my wife may start acting like she wants you to stop. That’s just a funny little game we play. Keep going.
  • Don’t look at me! Look at her. If you must look at me, maintain unblinking eye contact.
  • Just go with it.