How to Know You’re Alive

Being alive is pretty great – so great that everyone I surveyed about it prefers being alive to being dead.

But how can you know you’re REALLY alive? Here are some helpful tips to test your alive-ness.

  1. Touch a puppy’s nose. Is it wet? It is! It’s a wet puppy nose! Look at that puppy wag. He is so happy. Or maybe it’s a girl puppy! It has not been proven that touching a puppy’s nose can cure cancer, but also no one has proven that it can’t, and in life you need to view the puppy’s nose as half full.
  2. Read books about things to do before you die. There are books about all the paintings and cities and national parks and diners and movies you should see or visit or explore or eat at or see. Buy all the books. Do all of the things! Come back when you are done.
  3. Make a bunch of money and then give it all away. This one should be easy.
  4. Roll around in a field of flowers with your sweetie. Get a sweetie and then go find a field of flowers. You can often find fields of flowers in beautiful rural areas and also graveyards. Now roll around in the field! Soak up all the sun and positive energy that the flowers have. Watch out for ticks and jealous dead people!
  5. Go on an adventure. They’re pretty fun! You could go sky diving or deep-sea fishing or you could drive a motorcycle through a wedding or just walk into a mall you’ve never visited before!
  6. Think about what it all means. But not too hard.


  • Kitten noses are cute, but they are not an acceptable substitute for puppy noses if you want to cure cancer. Kitten noses are OK for milder forms of influenza, however.
  • People sometimes say you should cut yourself to know you’re alive. That may work, but it’s a more effective way to know if you have blood.
  • It helps if you live every day like it’s your last. The easiest way to do this is to put yourself in mortal danger on a daily basis.
  • To find out if you are dead, refer to the article, “How to Know You Are Dead.”
  • Remember the four L’s: Live, laugh, love and LOL!