How to Have a Family Dinner

Eating dinner as a family is among the most sacred of modern cultural practices, though in today’s fast-paced world it appears that many families simply aren’t as committed to setting aside the time to dine together as they used to. Instead, they’re eating at fast food restaurants or on buses or in quarries. But research indicates that regular family dinners help kids to get better grades in school, prevent domestic pets from shedding and joining gangs, and increase sexual intercourse among married partners as much as onefold.

Are you having a hard time trying to get your family to sit down at a dinner table? We’re here to help!


  1. Get a family: There are many approaches to this, the most common of which is marriage and breeding through fornication. If for some reason fornication is not an option, you might consider either adopting children or kidnapping Arnold Jackson’s stepbrother Sam. Remember: The standard nuclear family contains 2.5 children. Since this is physically impossible, we suggest having three children and treating one of them like he or she is less than a person.
  2. Set a time. This is the most important step, because timing is everything. If you do not all sit down to dinner at the same time, then there is a strong chance that you will not eat dinner together. We suggest scheduling a time when everyone in your family is available and able to dedicate at least an hour to be together. This means that it probably should happen sometime in between when the kids are done with their homework and “Daddy’s ChatRoulette Time”. Also, it should be at night, because family lunch never counts.
  3. Cook. Despite the ignorant misperceptions of your entitled bastard children, the food will not simply appear on your table. Cooking dinner takes most of one’s day, so at least one member of the family will have to quit his/her job or drop out of school. You may also consider ordering from a restaurant or wandering in the desert for years on end waiting for Manna from a cruel God that clearly abandoned you a long time ago.
  4. Have dinner. One of the most important pieces of a successful family dinner is conversation. You will have to talk with food in your mouth, so be careful not to choke. Make sure to ask everyone in your family to share something good from their day, with the exception of your designated “half a child,” whose day should not matter to anyone. Inquire about the other two children if they learned anything at school. One of them will inevitably lie and say that nothing happened. Look directly his eyes, slowly rub a drumstick on his face and remind them of the consequences of dishonest, sinful behavior.
  • You may consider joining a CSA or starting a garden in your backyard, in order to provide healthy, organic produce that will be free from the evil machinations of corporate agriculture. Please be aware that while this is a responsible and ethical approach to your food, it will also basically ensure that your children will grow up to be unbelievable assholes.
  • Lighten things up with some games! You can always bring a positive atmosphere to your meal with a round of “I Spy” or “Whose Glass Had Epicac Syrup in It?”
  • It’s really important for everyone to stay at the dinner for the duration of the meal. Try to get your family to stick around by drizzling chairs with some handy crazy glue before they sit down, or let them know who’s in charge by calmly placing a handgun next to your plate. You may consider tying family members to their chairs, though this can restrict eating and may lead your children to develop bondage fetishes, which may not necessarily be a problem depending on how open-minded you are as a parent. I know I’m into it.
  • You know what? If your daughter hits 18 and is totally into getting tied up, tell her to call me.