How to Get a Girl to Like You

Hey, you know that girl who isn’t horribly repulsed by you? Wondering if she might be willing to spend time with you at malt shops or help make another small version of you?

If she is perfect, you need to change for her. Here is how you do the changing that will make you perfect and therefore she’ll like your face and body and personality.

STEPS

  1. Find out her name. This makes it easier for you to hack her Facebook account to then make a fictional perfect friend for her. Use this friend to get close to her and make her someone she comes to depend on and trust.
  2. Find out what she likes. This would have taken a lot of work in the past. You’d have to talk to her and people she knows but that would require facing rejection. Use the Facebook information you already know about her.
  3. Become her dream male. You can do this through exercise, study, plastic surgery and dark ceremonies. She will then like you, if not like-like you! If you need tips, find out what kind of men she likes from your Facebook friend account and become them.
  4. Create a way for you to talk to her. Nothing says “Why yes, I am dark and mysterious,” like having three of your friends try to kidnap her from a train so that you can sweep in, beat them up, and rescue her.
  5. Leave her longing. You must now become a mysterious figure that she can’t know, lest she find you lacking somehow. Let her mythologize you while continuing to put her in danger by throwing friends and family at her as threats that you can beat up and save her from.
  6. Reveal yourself. You are now her hero. She will put up with all of your flaws. Take off your superhero mask (you should have used it while fighting your friends and family) to hide your identity. No matter how horrible you are, if you did everything right, she will like you.
  7. Keep your secrets. Take your secrets to the grave. In fact, you must disappear now while she still likes you. It is the only way to stay safe.

TIPS

  • If she doesn’t like you after you do these steps, tell yourself she’s not worth it and forget about her forever. Find another girl and try again.
  • If you are questioned by the police about having beaten up your friends, tell them her boyfriend did it (this only works if she has a boyfriend).
  • Engineering a doomsday where you are the last male on earth is another way to get the girl to like you. Unless she is a lesbian. Then you have to make yourself the last female on earth.