How to Do You-Know-What

You-know-whating is a perfectly normal and natural response to certain… biological urges that happen in a man’s body. There’s nothing that can be done about those urges, and you-know-whating is a safe and socially responsible way of dealing with those urges that pose no risks to a man’s health or that of his partner.

But it’s still kind of gross so here’s a way to do it so people don’t look away when you walk into the room.


  1. Make sure you’re home alone. Even though you-know-what is perfectly normal and natural and everybody does it, nobody really wants to know about other people doing you-know-what, much less see it. So best to make sure that you’re alone. Put the cat in another room, too. I mean, it’s just creepy to have it watch.
  2. Take your…thing…out. Best to just unzip. That way if someone comes home you can tuck your…thing…in quickly. Taking off all your clothes is more comfortable, but it’s going to be really obvious that you were you-know-whating if someone catches you naked.
  3. Grab a sock. Or a washcloth. Or some tissue or toilet paper. Trust us on this. You’re going to need it. Do not use the cat.
  4. Get comfortable. Standing up isn’t a good idea, because if it takes you too long to you-know-what your legs can lock. Lying down is most comfortable, but runs the risk of getting…stuff…on your clothes. Kneeling down or sitting is the best. Go with sitting. Sitting’s good. Preferably in a nice comfortable chair in front of your computer with a torrented video playing.
  5. Get something that makes your…thing…slick. Lots of people will recommend creams or lotions, but those tend to have dyes or perfumes in them and they can aggravate the skin on your…thing. You can buy commercial products that make your…thing…slick, but really, you’re going to feel really dirty spending $8 just to make you-know-what a little easier. Just spit in your hand. Spit is good enough.
  6. So, basically, you just rub your…thing. A lot.
  7. You’ll know when you’re done.
  8. Now use that sock.
  9. For God’s sake, don’t taste anything.
  10. Put the sock in the laundry hamper, zip up, and go about your day.


  • For some reason, it is considered really uncool to talk about you-know-what if you are in junior high or high school, even though everyone you know is pretty much doing you-know-what constantly, even in public.
  • It’s okay to talk about it in college, though, and even brag about it in your classes.
  • Don’t ever talk about it once you get married. Letting your wife find out that you you-know-what is considered worse than getting caught looking at another woman.
  • Contrary to popular myth, it doesn’t actually hurt your performance in sporting events if you you-know-what before a match. In fact, the increase in testosterone can actually improve sports performance. Just not in the shower, and during the event only if it is a you-know-what competition.