How to Climb a Mountain

Ever since Sir Edmund Hillary scaled the first mountain in 1953, mankind has been obsessed with finding mountains and climbing up them.

Until recently this was an activity only for the wealthy or for people in New Yorker cartoons looking for wise gurus, but now you can enjoy this sport in the privacy of your own home as well.

STEPS

  1. Locate a mountain. They are made of stone, very tall, and aren’t buildings.
  2. Start at the foot of the mountain. If you start at the top then you won’t be able to climb it.
  3. Look around you. Is there a place nearby that is higher up than you are? If so, go there! Use your hands and also your feet to do this.
  4. Repeat step 3 until the answer is “no”. Congratulations! You are at the top of this mountain! Enjoy the view.

TIPS AND WARNINGS

  • They say it’s cold at the top of a mountain, but this makes no sense as you’re closer to the sun. If it worries you, bring a sweater.
  • There is less oxygen at the top of a mountain, so try not to have to breathe.
  • As for how you get down from a mountain, you don’t — you get down from a goose! Ha ha! Seriously, I have no idea. Maybe try the article, “How to Fall off the Top of a Mountain.”