How to Bury a Hooker in the Nevada Desert

According to movies, the two things you do in Las Vegas are make your retarded brother win at black jack and bury hookers in the Nevada desert. Since black jack no longer exists, hooker-burying has risen as much as 300% since I started typing this sentence.

Here is how to bury a hooker in the Nevada Desert.

STEPS

  1. Hire a hooker. Let your best friend do this. For pointers, reference the article “How To Hire A Hooker To Have Sex With You And All Your Friends And Somehow That’s OK (Vegas Edition).”
  2. Celebrate in a good hooker-killing environment. Not on purpose, though. I’d tell you to lay down some tarps or not to wear white, but this really can’t be pre-planned, because that’s actually just murder. If you party hard enough, the hooker will accidentally be killed naturally.
  3. Mentally prepare yourself. There’s no two ways about it: the hooker is now dead. And while you may have a guilty conscience, consider that you’re not the only one in this mess. Maybe you can deal with throwing your life away and going to jail, but what about Stanley, Mo, and The Cheese? They have families, too.
  4. Wrap the hooker up in something to conceal the body. Tarps work (you can get tarps now) pretty well for this, just be sure to get black ones so people can’t see through them. Rugs are also good because they provide hilarious physical comedy, especially when a paper-white hooker limb flops out during the elevator ride with an elderly couple!
  5. Use The Cheese’s car to transport the body. Canary-yellow Hummers with spoilers and flame exhausts are conspicuous, but they have lots of trunk space.
  6. Get good shovels. Wikipedia says the Mojave Desert is full of sand and not trees, so get some sturdy shovels. Stanley will probably complain about his ulcer while you dig, but fuck him.
  7. Make a pact. Make everyone swear never to mention this dark time again. Promise that once you get back to your lives you’ll act like nothing happened. Everyone has dark points in their life, which is all this is. If anything, this experience should bring you closer together with your friends.
  8. Flip. Once you get home, turn your friends in basically immediately.

TIPS AND WARNINGS

  • Note that this guide offers no instruction on how to bury a prostitute, escort or stripper in any region but the Nevada desert. Refer to the article, “How to Bury a Prostitute, Escort or Stripper in Areas Outside the Nevada Desert.”
  • You may feel inclined to use a backhoe to make the digging faster. We can’t see any problems with this. If you can obtain one, go for it.
  • Mo’s probably going to throw up. Just be prepared for that.