How to Be a Blond

Blonds have more fun and gentlemen prefer them. Also they have free rein to be dirty or strawberry anytime they like. So who wouldn’t want to be a blond?

Here is some advice about how to become one.


  1. Go to the drugstore. Drugstores are places where you can pick up prescriptions, tissues, greeting cards, cosmetics, extension cords, tape and haircolor. Do not try to buy heroin at the drugstore even if you you need some. Instead, hire a cowboy (they wait outside at the bicycle racks) to procure any illegal substances for you.
  2. Locate the aisle with haircolor. Find a color that you like and buy a box. Make sure it is blond and not yellow. (To get yellow hair, see the article “How to Become a Character on ‘The Simpsons.’”) Take the box home. Gather necessary items like an old towel and plastic gloves. Read the directions on the box. Make sure it is the box of haircolor whose directions you are reading and not a box of macaroni and cheese.
  3. Do a strand test. Close your eyes and mentally visualize what you would do if you were stranded on a desert island. Hope that there are some helpful island natives there to assist you because you do not know how to build a shelter out of a tropical jungle, and that they also know how to dye hair.
  4. Apply the dye to your hair. Now you need to wait. Things to do while waiting: leaf through a magazine, think about that jerk Ryan, balance the federal budget.
  5. Rinse the dye out. Be sure not to rinse the dye into your eyes unless you are also trying to dye your eyes blond.
  6. Apply conditioner. Because you have bleached your hair it will likely be dry and brittle. This is why you need to suffer for beauty.
  7. Style your hair. Some styles you may consider include the bob, the weave, and the shuck. Enjoy the increased attention from being blond!


  • Blonds are loyal and even in temperament, making them the perfect hunting companion as well as good with families. Blonds were originally developed in Scotland, where they were used to fetch game.
  • A side effect of hair dye is the creation of a tender mouth, which ensures that waterfowl can be fetched with minimal damage.