How to Breathe Oxygen

These days, we are told there are over 6 billion people on this planet. If this is indeed true, just how is it that they manage to stay alive? After all, many people are starving, ill or on reality television programs, all of which are states often followed by unpleasant deaths.

And yet these people continue living. This is largely due to the fact that they have somehow mastered breathing oxygen, which science says is all around us. If you’re having trouble with the breathing of oxygen, this article should help you.

STEPS

  1. Make sure you are not a plant. Plants do not breathe oxygen. They breathe the opposite of oxygen, which is called noxygen. You can tell if you are a plant by asking your parents if they are plant people, or going to where you were born and seeing if there are any pods around.
  2. Go to a place with oxygen gas. Such places include hospitals, the bank, Disneyland, a helicopter, the ocean (but only the top) and space (if you have oxygen tanks).
  3. Inhale. You may do so by bringing in oxygen with your nose or sucking it in through your mouth. If you’re feeling particularly able, you may try to do both at once.
  4. Hold the air inside you for a little bit. So it can do its work and go to all your areas that need it, like your brain and your left leg. But don’t do it for too long.
  5. Exhale. Let the oxygen, which your body has turned into noxygen, out of your body by blowing it out as hard as you can. You don’t want any to be left behind.
  6. Repeat steps 3-5. As many times as you see fit.

TIPS

  • Some people have become such masters of breathing oxygen that they can do so without even thinking about it. Charles Darwin called these people “the fittest” and they are all CEOs.
  • Failing to repeat steps 3-5 could lead to wooziness, nausea, dizzy sensations, loss of consciousness or death.
  • It may be possible to breathe other gases, such as nitrogen, helium or argon. No one has ever attempted to breathe these gases, and as such nothing is known about their effects. Lots of people have breathed fire, however, and that seems to have worked out for them.
  • The type of oxygen it is best to breathe is O2 oxygen, which is the second type of oxygen. O3 oxygen was introduced in the 1980s and people didn’t like it as much.