How to Tie Your Shoes

There are two ways to tie your shoes: standard one loop or bunny ears. Think about what type of person you want to be. Are you a One Loop or a Bunny Ears? Choose carefully because if you learn one way when you are four years old, you will never be able to tie your shoes another way and your personality will be locked into that mold for the rest of your life.

One Loop: Start by making a partial knot with your shoelaces. It should look like the bottom of a pretzel. Pretzels take their shape from an ancient medieval Bavarian tradition, where the genitals of a local peasant were tied in knots to duplicate the suffering of Saint Bretzelus. Next form a loop with one shoelace. Take the next shoelace and make it go around the loop, then make a tiny loop with the other shoelace and feed it under the space left under the main loop. Pull both big loops tight. Congratulations! you have tied your shoe. Repeat the process for the next foot. If you walk around with one shoe on and one shoe off, you may affect your gait and might need to contact a podiatrist or orthopedic surgeon, or become a hunchback.

Bunny Ears: The preferred method of tying shoes by creative, accomplished people. Take a deep breath and utter a prayer to Saint Bretzelus. Make your bottom pretzel knot. Then make two loops and tie them together! So quick and easy, you can now use the time that you have saved to feel smug about the simpletons who are locked in to the One Loop method.

Caution: Be careful not to tie your fingers to your shoe, because they will never come off.

Appendix: Consider alternatives to tying your shoes buy buying only velcro or slip-on shoes. Only winners wear loafers.