How to Tell Someone You Love Them

Rock and Roll singers make it seem really easy to say “I love you.” They talk about it all the time, because they love everyone and also have sex with everyone.

But we aren’t all rock stars, at least not yet. And it can be really hard to tell someone how you feel about them, especially if you’re not sure if they love you back and also you smell bad. You have to tell them, though, or you’ll probably die all alone having never known the touch that comes with doing it. So tell them like this.

STEPS

  1. Locate the person’s house. Often, addresses are located on the Internet or in phone books. If you can’t find one there, follow your true love home from work or maybe get in the trunk of their car.
  2. Wait until night. This is because nobody ever tells anyone they love them during the day except liars and rock singers. You’ll know it’s night when you see that Seinfeld reruns are on.
  3. Go to their window. Be sure to look closely into each window to make sure it’s theirs and not their parents’, child’s or spouse’s.
  4. Get their attention. This can be accomplished using thrown rocks, light through yonder window, a boombox, a marching band, yelling in the rain or burning their name into the lawn.
  5. Have someone tell you what to say. The bigger the nose, the better.
  6. At just the right moment, say, “I love you!” Make sure the words are in exactly that order.
  7. Leave. Do not give the person you love time to respond or call the police.

TIPS AND WARNINGS

  • It’s very important to make sure you really love the person. The way to know if you really love them is whether your heart gets big when they’re around. Consult your doctor.
  • Sometimes a person will not say they love you back when you tell them you love them. Keep repeating “I love you” until they start loving you.
  • They say a way to a man’s heart is through is stomach. That’s true. Contrary to popular belief, the male heart is located in the colon.
  • If the person you love is a woman, say “I love you” with rose petals. Put them on her bed, fill her car with them, put them in her dinner, tape them to her dog, etc.