How to Tell If You Are Bleeding from the Scalp

Bleeding from the scalp is the leading cause of scalp-related bleeding known to mankind. At any time a person or a doctor who runs up to you screaming may ask if you are bleeding from the scalp, so it’s important to know if you are. Bleeding from the scalp.

STEPS

  1. Make sure you have vision. This is very important in determining whether pints of blood are gushing from the top of your head like some kind of horrific miniature Ol’ Faithful. If your eyes are gone, it is safe to assume you are bleeding.
  2. Find a reflective surface. Most people cannot see the top of their head without assistance, because they are not hideous freaks living in defiance of God and decency. So it’s important to find something to look at to see yourself, like the small portion of your former windshield that’s not covered in a spider web of cracks or the brain matter that used to be your best friend’s hopes and dreams. Rearview mirrors are also good, as are any hubcaps that have finally stopped spinning and smoking.
  3. Don’t talk to me about “touching” to find out if you are bleeding from the scalp. That is such bullshit.
  4. Make sure the blood you see is yours. If you are bleeding from the scalp, then the reflective surface will have shown you the grotesque carnival mask that used to be your face. But wait! Are you sure the blood is yours? Perhaps it belongs to broken shell of a person flung thirty yards away? Or maybe you’re having another one of your “spells,” and the Labrador told you to kill again.
  5. Is the Labrador nearby? He can see your heart even when you can’t see him.
  6. Shake your head around some. This will “loosen up” the blood, and if the blood is indeed yours, you will fling any recently-formed clots free and cause a fresh geyser of life-sustaining blood to spurt forth. Now you know!
  7. Try not to black out. Don’t be a pussy, man. Come on.
  8. Run. Run! You don’t have long. Run as fast and as hard as you can at anyone you see. Scream to get their attention. This is how they will know to help you.

TIPS

  • Don’t “poke it.”
  • You know how with Band Aids, sometimes it’s better to just rip it off really fast? No.
  • Vampires like blood, and scalps bleed a lot. This may be your one chance to bang Anna Paquin.