How to Tell a Joke

Sometimes, when at a festive party or perhaps when you are cornered by a wild animal, you will find the need to share a joke in order to lighten the mood or display to an attractive person that you would kick ass at sex. But how best to tell a joke? It’s not as easy as it sounds if you are a stupid person who sucks.

STEPS

  1. Observe your audience. Many kinds of jokes work in any setting, but you don’t want to step too far over the line and offend or confuse someone. Consider who’s listening. Is your audience made up of idiots? Then maybe save that hilarious jape about William Howard Taft for another time. Instead, point at someone and fart.
  2. Point at someone and fart. This is known as “warming up” the audience, which is hilarious, because farts are warm.
  3. Lull them with a false sense of seriousness. Jokes are all about subverting expectations, and what better way to do that than to make people think you are being serious before the punchline? If you are not sure how to lend yourself an air of gravity, just tell an audience member that their father died. The recently bereaved will appreciate a bit of levity.
  4. Be sure to kill their father first. This is crucial for step 3 to work.
  5. Tell your joke. Don’t be nervous. If you’re concerned that you won’t be able to deliver your joke, just say it all at once, with no pauses. It might help to stand straight, hands at your sides, and yell it. Yelling is very funny.
  6. Grab, stare, repeat. Maybe your dumb audience didn’t laugh the first time. Grab one of them by the shoulders, stare into their eyes, and repeat the joke. Do it loudly, to make sure they hear everything. You may need to repeat this step three or four times
  7. Run away. The best physical comedians do wacky things to make people laugh. As soon as you are done repeating your joke in a loud voice, run away as fast as you can. You will probably be too fast to hear the peals of laughter that follow!
  8. Follow up on the joke. Later, call everyone who heard the joke the first time and repeat it to them. Then hang up before they can respond. Your joke is the joke that keeps on giving.

TIPS AND WARNINGS

  • Racist humor is always hilarious. To “punch up” your joke, replace random nouns with racial slurs, even (and especially) if they don’t seem to fit.
  • Do not wear clown noses, clown shoes, or other paraphernalia while telling your jokes. Those are for professionals, for God’s sake. What the hell were you thinking? Jesus Christ!
  • You can never “follow up” on the joke enough. Write the joke on notes and leave them in your audience’s bathrooms. Send them anonymous e-mails containing the joke copied and pasted several thousand times. Whisper it to them as they fall asleep.