How to Know What Leaves are Made Of

Poet Walt Whitman once wrote, “Leaves of Grass.” But that isn’t true, and Walt Whitman is a liar. Leaves and grass are two different things. Just look at them.

I hope what you’ve learned from this is that you can’t trust anything you read in a book. But without books, how can you know what leaves are made of? You have to test it yourself. Here’s the test for finding out what leaves are made of.


  1. Obtain a leaf. They are fairly commonly found on trees. Get a green leaf. The other races of leaves (brown, orange) are considered inferior races. Leaves are also on bushes, but they’re kind of runty and you probably don’t want those. No matter what you do, avoid pine needles.
  2. Examine the leaf. Write down your observations. These notes will help scientists from the future know more about leaves.
  3. Think about substances you know. Here are some to get you started: Rubber, latex, spandex, balloon skin, eraser, rubber.
  4. Consider what substance is the closest to the leaf. Note: It isn’t grass.
  5. Cut the leaf open. Be careful not to confuse your genitals with the leaf at this point, or at any point in the procedure.
  6. Send it off to the lab. They should be able to confirm or disprove your hypothesis is a couple weeks. But they can get backed up, so be patient.


  • You know, paper is a lot like leaves. They call notebooks “loose leaf” sometimes because the pages are so much like leaves. Not trying to guide you any particular direction here, just saying.
  • Leaves are not made of actress Jane Leeves, and rarely are they ever as stunning.
  • They say money doesn’t grow on trees, but leaves are pretty dollar-like. There’s no denying that.