How to Determine the Weight of an Oscar™ Statuette

For ninety-something years, the film industry has annually rewarded its best and brightest with the Academy Awards™. While millions upon millions watch the televised festivities every year, only a select few hundred-odd people have actually been able to see the golden statuettes up close, let alone hold one in their very hands. And lots of those people are dead, like Jack Nicholson.

What does it feel like? The simple answer is, it feels like smooth metal. But what about heft? Weight? How does one actually find out the exact weight of an Oscar™?

STEPS

  1. Generate an idea for a film, and get it made. Failing this, try to get cast in a film. If this does not work, produce a film.
  2. Make sure it is a fairly competent film.
  3. Get the film released widely. Shoot for a late-year release, preferably in December.
  4. Wait for the film to be nominated in any one of twenty-four categories.
  5. Go to the Academy Awards™, at the beautiful Kodak Theatre in Los Angeles. Remember to take a small pocket scale (http://www.myweigh.com/Pocketscales.html)
  6. Listen for your name or the film’s title to be announced.
  7. Go up on stage to accept the trophy. NOTE: DO NOT YET WEIGH THE OSCAR™.
  8. Give your acceptance speech do not forget god or your management team.
  9. Backstage, place your pocket scale on a level surface.
  10. Weigh your Oscar™ statuette.

TIPS

  • For safety’s sake, write/star/produce a film about an illness.
  • If you have no real preference for which category in which you win, we hear Sound Editing is all about payoffs and blow, so if you can get those your movie doesn’t even have to be that good.
  • If it is a Best Picture award, get up there first. There are many cooks in the stew and people get greedy.
  • Do not leave your Oscar™ sitting unattended at a table at the Vanity Fair party. We hear Al Pacino™ has busy little hands.
  • If you do not get a statuette to weigh on your first attempt, keep going. They will eventually just give you one out of guilt/fear you will soon be dead.