How to Calculate Your Age

Your age is an important thing to know about yourself. You can’t go to school or drink alcohol or get into a good nursing home if you don’t know your age. But it’s hard to find out how old you are if you don’t know. Human beings aren’t horses; you can’t just cut us open and count the rings!

That’s why you’ve got to use this method to find out what your age is.


  1. Find out what year you were born. This should be on your birth certificate. If you don’t have a birth certificate for some reason, ask your parents. If your parents are dead for some reason, ask another relative who was alive when you were born. If you don’t have any relatives, go to a carnival and ask one of those age guesser people to help you.
  2. Divide the year you were born by 112.
  3. Add 22.
  4. Multiply by 1.
  5. Plug the number in to the quadratic equation.
  6. Find the circumference using πr^2.
  7. Subtract these numbers, in order: 4 8 15 16 23 42.
  8. Take the derivative.
  9. Multiply by 0.
  10. Add your age.


  • It may turn out to be impossible to figure out your age. In that case, you may tell people you are whatever age you feel you are, under the “You Are As Only As Old As You Feel” act upheld by the Supreme Court in LaLanne v. the state of California.
  • Some religions don’t celebrate birthdays, but I won’t name names.
  • It is easiest to calculate your age if you are a baby.