How to Buy Tickets to the Super Bowl

There’s this football game called the Super Bowl. It’s every year and most years a lot of people go to it. People who don’t get into it watch it on TV, but then when they watch it the people who are there point and laugh at them.

If you don’t want to get ridiculed on national television, this is what you do.

STEPS

  1. Find out where the Super Bowl is being played. Often, it is a city in the United States of America. But double-check because they’re tricky.
  2. Go to that place. It’s where the secrets are.
  3. Very discreetly ask for the secret location where the Super Bowl tickets are being held. Look around for people who are knowledgeable informants. People in trench coats are a good place to start.
  4. Enter the ticket sales stronghold with the password “football.” If “football” doesn’t work, try “hike,” “Joe Montana,” or “Doritos.”
  5. Ask how much the tickets cost. I should have said this earlier: Bring money with you.
  6. Pay for the tickets. They won’t give them to you unless you pay. They are very strict about this.
  7. When the Super Bowl comes, go to the Super Bowl. You have a 1 in 32 chance of your favorite team being in it.

TIPS AND WARNINGS

  • Super Bowl tickets sell our very quickly. Be sure to buy yours early. Waiting until, say, the Friday before Super Bowl Sunday means you almost certainly won’t be able to find any that you won’t have to murder someone to obtain. See article, “How to Murder Someone to Obtain Super Bowl Tickets” for details.
  • Contrary to popular belief, the Super Bowl is not a bowl. It is a traditional Ethiopian mesob.
  • The team that loses the Super Bowl has to be the team that win’s personal servants for a whole month. The same goes for those team’s fans, so prepare yourself.
  • When you go to the Super Bowl, remember that it is played outdoors and lots of other people will be there, so at least paint your genitals the appropriate team colors.
  • After the Super Bowl is over, you may be asked to join a secret society of people who went to the Super Bowl. They’re pretty cool.