How to Quit Smoking

Hey man, I heard you wanted to quit smoking. I guess that’s cool. A lot of people are doing that, they tell me.

Anyway, here’s how you do it.


  1. Start smoking. You can’t quit if you don’t smoke, right? Buy a few packs and light ‘em up! It’ll do a good job of relaxing you before you take the plunge.
  2. Wait a little bit. Really start to think of yourself as a smoker. Buy some Marlboro jackets and stuff with carton tops.
  3. Stop smoking. Haven’t you heard? That shit’s bad for you! Don’t do it anymore!
  4. Go on about your business. Good job! You quit smoking!


  • Try not to start again. That wouldn’t be quitting.
  • Don’t tell anyone you’re quitting, including your doctor. They may treat you differently, and you certainly don’t want that.
  • People may tell you that you can replace cigarettes by sucking on candy or chewing gum. Don’t listen to them! Putting anything in your mouth, including food and water, will simply make you crave the calming sensation of nicotine! Zip your mouth up and throw away the key!
  • Another habit, like bocce ball or heroin, might fill the gap in your life.


  • You may feel moody or irritable after quitting. Turns out that doesn’t have anything to do with the tobacco. You’re just an old crab is what you are, and nobody likes you.