How to Have a Good Day

Feelin’ low? Like you haven’t got a friend in the world?

Well, you’re in luck, because I’m going to describe some ways to make your day better.

STEPS

  1. Leave me the fuck alone. By doing this you won’t have to worry about me ripping your mouth open with my hands and then spitting down your throat because you got all up in my personal space. One way to do this is to be in a different area than me or, if you’re in the same room, avoid speech or eye contact unless I let you know they’re acceptable. Acting all fake-nice to me will really get me going, so definitely don’t do that. If you avoid pissing me off, I’ll have a good day, which means you maybe will.
  2. Consider exercise, but then don’t do it. Exercise is terrible. You get all sweaty and shit, and who wants to go running when they could be comfortable and seated? But you’ll feel better about yourself if you really think about doing it, so do that.
  3. Sleep until, like, 2. You’ll miss work and probably get fired, but that’ll happen tomorrow. Am I right, folks? Did you know scientists say sleeping in is fucking awesome? Scientists know what’s up.
  4. Begin the day with a glass of whiskey. What better way to have a good day than to dull the bad? Plus, it’s great for your perception of yourself, and, let’s face it, having a good day’s about perception, not reality, folks.
  5. Begin your day with a shower. “Hey, stupid,” you’re now saying. “Didn’t you just say to start the day with whiskey? You can’t start the day with two different things. You have to do one or the other first.” Shut up and take a shower. You smell awful, and you’re coming awfully close to fucking up step 1, partner.
  6. Skip breakfast. Because if you’re sleeping until 2, there’s no way you can really call it that, man.
  7. Don’t talk to anyone if you can swing it. Because you know deep down that all your friends and your parents secretly hate you. Fuck them.
  8. Be spontaneous. Do something you would never do, like hiring some hookers, killing a hobo or driving a city bus off the road. Today doesn’t just have to be another day!
  9. Take a whole lot of anti-depressants. It’s really the only way you’re going to avoid thinking about all those bills you haven’t paid or how much more attractive your sister is than you are.
  10. Don’t do anything you’re cripplingly scared of. I mean, really. Jesus Christ! Why would you even consider doing something like that as a way to make your day better? That’s what an insane person would do.

TIPS

  • Avoid the library and all the homeless people who hang out there.
  • Do everything you hate doing the day before, making that day the worst you’ve ever had.
  • Vanity. That always makes people feel better.
  • Plan a trip you can’t afford or a party no one will come to.
  • Live in the past, maybe.
  • Sexually assault strangers.
  • Give the assholes you know a piece of your mind, finally.
  • Listen to music, but make it loud enough that you ruin other people’s days. Omelette, eggs, etc.

WARNINGS

  • Don’t expect too much. I mean, I guess it’s possible for you to have a good day, but you’re you, so.
  • You don’t have to completely lay off alcohol or drugs, you just have to take the right ones in the right amounts. It’s pretty easy.